I’m giving up my former party persona, but having an identity crisis in the process.
I’ve always loved to do things and be around people. While I still do consider myself an incredibly social extrovert, I’ve (miraculously) found a way to be content with being by myself and a little bit lonely. Side tracking a little bit, when I was younger my dad would work midnights and my mom would work during the day while my sisters were at school, and since kindergarten was only half a day, I’d spend the other half all by myself. I would literally cry so much- for a long time, I was more scared of being lonely than of death. Anyway, my naturally social nature eventually lead to me loving parties and going out.
I genuinely take no shame in the fact that I partied all throughout high school. It was a lot of fun and young people are allowed to do foolish and dumb things in the name of fun. It’s not like I was throwing my life away for the bottle- I was a varsity track athlete all throughout high school, competing with a club as well. I was on honour roll, and I was enrolled in enriched classes. I also really liked a good Smirnoff Apple shot on the weekends. Or 20.
Things slowed down a bit towards the end of my senior year and into my first year of university. My boyfriend at the time was a bit of a homebody and introvert, so I allowed myself to think that being a homebody and introvert was the right thing for me to do. A chain of events that bares enough relevance that I need to include it but also want to trim down goes like this- my boyfriend and I broke up, my friends went away for co-op while I stayed in Waterloo, I made older friends who liked partying, my friends from co-op came back after binge drinking to concussions while in the Bay Area, me and my roommates moved out of residence and into our own apartment, played integral roles in extracurriculars that also included throwing and attending parties, I found myself back in the social butterfly pace that I once loved, and voila- I was back in party girl mode.
In my second year alone, my roommates and I threw at least 3 parties a semester (including the summer semester) and we LOVED it. At the University of Waterloo, there’s a club/pub called The Bombshelter which is on campus and has $3.50 bar rails and $3 cover. Their big night is “Bomber Wednesdays”. There were 10 Bomber Wednesday’s that summer and I had attended 7 of them– surely with breaks to Phil’s Grandson’s (another infamous Waterloo club) and house parties in between. R.I.P my liver.
Then we get into my whole “got into a relationship and wanted to party less and also was battling crippling depression and then moved to Toronto where I continued to battle crippling depression and never went clubbing or out” stint which I’m just recently coming out of. Even when I was in Toronto, I managed to come back to Waterloo for parties and clubbing. But, now I’m back in Waterloo for the summer, working 2 jobs and taking part-time classes while maintaining extracurriculars, and I just can’t find the party-tick anymore.
Last night was the first Wednesday of the semester which is one of many integral party nights in Waterloo. Instead of making an appearance at either of my favourite clubs, I stayed home and made a roasted chicken and read a book. It’s not that I dislike going out, I was just indifferent to a point that there was frankly, more benefit in deciding not to go out just so I could stop thinking about it.
I’m in identity crisis. I used to live and breath parties and now I’m okay with making some popcorn and cracking a cold one without the boys by myself. I also feel a bit guilty almost. When my friends hit me up to ask if I’m going out, the look of shock on their face is a mix of surprise and betrayal. “You’re not going…?” One of them asked. “Is it even going to be lit then? Can you still get me on the guest list?”. How am I supposed to switch up on my friends out of nowhere?
This is labelled “Part 1” because I have a feeling I’ll have many more thoughts on this, and I really want to know what my readers have to think! Like what is a party girl? Why does it feel integral to my personality and character? Will I relapse and go to Phils this weekend?